So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
