i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
