There was a lot of him and a little penis
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
