Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
