i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
