I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
