YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
