you would pick up someone in the library
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
