There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
