Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Vodka?
Forever.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
