conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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