the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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