So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
