Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
