ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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