The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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