I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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