What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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