The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
