I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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