Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Mom said you looked used
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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