There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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