some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
