I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
