Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
