he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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