did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
sex in a hospital.. check
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
