Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
