i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
