You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
