You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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