what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
