im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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