Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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