you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
