I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
