Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
