dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
