8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Randomize
