Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
