There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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