I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
