I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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