its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
