Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
