Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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