I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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