I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
