I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
The beer is more important than you right now.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
