I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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