Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
