he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize