I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
