i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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