I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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