im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
