omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
