It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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