when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
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