And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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