apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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